Mothers and Home

"The human house is a paradox, for it is larger inside than out . . ." G.K.C

Reginald Bottomley

…a [mother’s] function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will not pity her for its smallness.

G.K. Chesterton

“I wish I could see my mother,” she said, looking out the window as the small town passed slowly by. “More than anyone else, more than my brother and my sisters, I miss my mother most. I miss the old people.”

My neighbor is 84-years old. She said this when we were on our regular evening drive. Beethoven’s Piano Concerto No. 2 was tumbling quietly out of the speakers. She was watching the sunset, the dog walkers, the runners, the children playing baseball. Neither of us were speaking. It was a contemplative time.

She has a lot of people she could miss the most. I know she misses her husband every day; she often says so: “After twenty years, I still get all worked up when I see his name.” Many friends have passed away that she cared about. She dearly loved her brother, and also her sisters, though she admits not as much. She misses Germany and still calls it home, though she hasn’t lived there in almost sixty years. But these are not the ones she most wants to see now that she’s in her sunset years. It is her mother she wants.

We didn’t say much after that but it has been on my mind since she shared it with me. I don’t think I have thought much about the potential mothers have for an influence that can outlast any other relationship. Or if Inhave thought about it, it wasn't as direct and clear a thought. I suppose it depends on the kind of relationship you have with your mother, and the kind of woman your mother is, the kind of person you are - many caveats could be inserted here, I’m sure - but still, there it is: a good mother can be missed by her 84-year-old daughter more than any other person her daughter has loved in her entire life. Her mother's face will be the one she will most want to see.

There another side to this story too, of course. The side of the mother left behind, as she should be if she has raised her children well. Not forsaken, but left behind. A friend of mine is having her fourth child now and mentioned in passing that a mother’s body retains fetal cells from each baby for years after giving birth. Years. Since I had my last child a dozen years ago, I have not been much interested in reading about pregnancy-related things so I had no idea our bodies did this. It was mind-blowing to me. I had to find a few articles. According to one from smithsonianmag.com¹

…mothers carry unique genetic material from their children’s bodies, creating what biologists call a microchimera…

Microchimerism can get especially complex when a mother has multiple pregnancies. The mother's body accumulates cells from each baby…

And from another article

The longevity of these fetal cells within the mother’s body, often persisting for decades after pregnancy, is significant. Studies have detected male fetal cells in maternal blood as long as 27 years after the last male pregnancy. This long-term persistence is due to their capacity for self-renewal.²

Apparently it goes both ways. Maternal cells pass into their child’s body during pregnancy. Truly, “we are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Truly, we are connected in ways that are deep and abiding.

I do not intend to make this a science post because I know nothing at all about the science of this. The articles focused on the importance of this for research and immunology. Well and good. But my mind being what it is, all I could think is, as Benedick said, “There’s a double meaning in that.” I couldn’t help but think of this quote from Kristin Lavansdatter:

Never had she seen it so clearly as on this evening—what destiny had demanded of her and what it had given her in return with her seven sons. Over and over again joy had quickened the beat of her heart; fear on their behalf had rent it in two. They were her children, these big sons with their lean, bony, boy’s bodies, just as they had been when they were small and so plump that they barely hurt themselves when they tumbled down on their way between the bench and her knee. They were hers, just as they had been back when she lifted them out of the cradle to her milk-filled breast and had to support their heads, which wobbled on their frail necks the way a bluebell nods on its stalk. Wherever they ended up in the world, wherever they journeyed, forgetting their mother—she thought that for her, their lives would be like a current in her own life; they would be one with her, just as they had been when she alone on this earth knew about the new life hidden inside, drinking from her blood and making her cheeks pale.

Good or bad, a mother is synonymous with home. Not all homes are missed when they are left, and not all mothers are, either. To be a mother whose influence runs like a silver thread through a son or daughter’s tapestry of life is a worthy goal. There are a lot of things that can keep this from happening in a mother-child relationship. Not always on the mother’s side, either. But as much as possible, so far it depends on me, may God help me to be such a mother.

Head of an Old Woman, c.1620 - Jacob Jordaens

p.s. I can’t leave this without saying to those who do not have mothers like my neighbor did - a better Parent is available to you through Christ, One Who will never forget you, leave you, belittle you, or cease to love you. Receiving the love of the Triune God through Christ will not remove the real grief you feel at not having the mother you wish you had, but God’s redemption is for the whole of our lives. He will be Father and Mother to you. He says so Himself:

“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me. (Isaiah 49:15-16)

As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. (Psalm 103:13)

Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. (Psalm 27:10)

We can grieve what we did not have and at the same time rejoice that no mother, not even the best mother, can love us and care for us and be as attentive to our needs and as ready to help as Almighty God. If you have not turned to Him to receive the love He offers you in His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, consider doing so today.

1. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/babys-cells-can-manipulate-moms-body-decades-180956493/

2. https://biologyinsights.com/do-baby-cells-stay-in-a-mothers-body-forever/